Honor and experiment.

Anything can turn into a reason to feel guilty. The question, “do you have children?” can seem so simple, but can be so loaded.

“We decided not to have children.”

“We want children and it hasn’t happened for us yet”

“We have five children and it’s the hardest thing we’ve ever done”

“We only have one child.”

Each one of these life circumstances may be bundled with a storyline of emotion. The life story of the conscious parent, the parents who never planned and conceived, the parents whose desire is deep and the result is deep sorrow month after month, the family of 7, the family of 3.

I’m the mother of one wild, imaginative, curly-haired, and loving three year old.

It’s been the best and the hardest adventure EVER.

There’s a part of me that wants more children. More love. More snuggles. More connection. We’ve been OPEN to the idea, but not super focused on the outcome. We go back and forth around being a family of four or keeping it to three.

The guilt of having an only child.

We both grew up with siblings and in a way want that for our son, but the other part of us holds a different vision. The other part of me wants more children in the form of creative outlets and projects. My husband wants freedom for worldly travel and spontaneity.

It’s an interesting place to be given our age.

I was 38 when I had my son. When friends of mine were having kids when we were in our early twenties, I happily played the role of the auntie, while consciously not conceiving. We traveled, explored and journeyed our way through the inner and outer domains of marriage for our first decade together.

In the summer of 2013, we spent 2 weeks in silent meditation both surfaced from that experience with a longing and desire to be parents. We were pregnant by October.

We’ve been “open” to the idea of adding to our family for the past year and then with scheduled international travel and river trips, energetically the gates were closed. We have been in a gray zone. So, we have embarked on an experiment.

We are spending two weeks living in the decision that we will be a family of three.

We are watching what comes up as a result. The vision of life in 10 years would look quite different as a family of four versus a family of three. It wouldn’t look better or worse, simply different.

So, at a week in since making this decision, I’ve been mainly observing thought patterns.

On one hand, I’ve been ready, on alert, waiting for guilt to arise. Waiting in anticipation for a swell of grief or a tsunami of comparison to take over. On the other hand, it feels like I’m picking up speed, and getting into a flow.

It’s interesting. Do we make the decision or is the decision made for us? Do we drive the design and manifestation of our lives or do we wait for the path of least resistance?

These are some of the questions surfacing.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not sitting over here twiddling my thumbs waiting for grief to hit, but I am ready to surf the wave if it arises. The interesting thing is, my husband and I didn’t embark on this experiment to stick to a family of three on impulse, it’s clearly aligned with our values.

And it’s quite possible that the next experiment is to spend two weeks considering what our lives would be like as a family of 4.

Life is one big experiment. How do you want to live it?

What is the decision you need to live in for the next two weeks?

Share in the comments.

-----

Rachel Peters is a yoga teacher, yoga health coach, lifestyle and habits expert, easeful living advocate, and lover of wild places. She leads others towards Embodying Ease through a yearlong wellness & lifestyle journey to dissolve perfectionism, embody daily habits that promote mental clarity, overall ease, and deeper connection to life on this wild ride of modern living. Learn MORE today!